


The Gang Gets Super

by HurlBurl



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alternate Universe, Brief Graphic Depictions of Violence, Character Death, Forced Imprisonment (Mentioned), Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Mental Illness, super powers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 20:56:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3355022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HurlBurl/pseuds/HurlBurl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Paddy's Pub is a universal constant. It'll exist one way or another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Gang Gets Super

**Author's Note:**

> Just to help clear up any confusion:
> 
> ALL CAPS= Newspapers perspective/take
> 
> Not to Many Caps= The Gang's perspective/take

A NEW HALLUCNITIC! THE RAT KING!

The scene was horrendous.

The people that had been forced into living in the Rat King's nest (formerly an apartment), lived in (what could only be described as) a physical manifestation of the dreaded villain's delusions. The people were forced to work in tight spaces, where they had to write love letters with the blood of dead rats, and then at night forced to crawl in the night amidst poisonous gases, something that seemed to have no effect on the Rat King, which wouldn't end until all but one player was conscious enough to steal everyone else's mineral. The people would then be forced into "plays", where the tyrant would force a woman and a man to interact in a loving (but never sexual) fashion, while he simply muttered things, until he got bored and decided to yell at them to leave him. The king's grip was so invasive that the fiend would take the few children in the apartment and would teach them how to read and write his way, luckily these lessons weren't followed by anything else, as it was rumored that he was a cannibal. The horror of this mad man was cruel and psychologically damning, but it did come to an end. Last night, the people rebelled against the villain for the last time and won, successfully driving him away. That night the Rat King scampered off without anyone else to torment in his wake.  
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WAITRESS (NAME UNKNOWN) GONE MISSING

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THE MAN OF STEEL GETS CAPPED BY GLASS

Today, the world gathers to rejoice at the capturing of the Luther McDonald, or as he's known in both North and South America, "The Man of Steel", and laugh at the pathetic antics of the self-proclaimed "Glass Mass", an individual that seems to be able to adopt the appearance and properties of pure transparent glass (similar to McDonald, who does the same with steel). The wannabe accomplice is said to have been zipping from corner to corner of the Bank of America on Market St., performing rapid hand movements, and rambling about how he was invisible and how his invincible dad and him were going to rob the Bank of America on North Broad Street blind. The individual's boast led the PPD to counter McDonald's robbery the second he got through the door. Now, the Glass Mass on the other hand wasn't captured, since one of his "captives" told him that he was at the wrong bank and that his "invisibility" didn't work since his clothes weren't transparent as well. This would lead the babbling buffoon to shut up instantly, look around to notice that his father wasn't there, see that his clothes were reflected in a mirror, and proceed to run away while stripping himself of his garments.

Whatever connection this "Glass Mass" has (or had) with the infamous McDonald is purely up for speculation. Is he an intentional backstabber? Possibly. Is he a fool that tagged along? Most Likely. Is he related to Steel? Well, based on his "intimidating skills", it's probably safe to give a big N.O. on that theory.

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DEATH IN HELL

The self-proclaimed "Supreme Model", a.k.a "The Phoenix", has died once again, but this time has decided to stay dead! Barbara Reynold died for the last time on September 20th. She was a horrendous individual who threatened time and time again to tear the earth asunder with hellfire if she was not commemorated daily with awards for beauty and "genetic excellence". She also threatened to burn the world if Philadelphia's beauty pageant refused to publicly ridicule her disabled, at the time, daughter for needing a back brace to keep her spine upright.

We unfortunately cannot post any comments from the family on this due to the husband being in an unknown location, the daughter's statements being too violent and hate-filled to go through censors intact, and the son's lack of responsiveness to the questions directed towards him.

Our hearts go out to the Reynolds family during this tragic time.

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The Glamorous Curse

Dennis decided to spend another night in his mother's room, surrounding himself with his mother's belongings was what he needed right now. Dennis scooped up the nearest velvet garment and inhaled the sweet fumes that his mother left on it. He felt the thread and longed to have its texture on him, but found his usual empty sensation destroying his joy in the moment. Dennis inhaled the fumes once again, but the smell of motherly ash sharply inhaled did nothing to end the vastness of his "God-hole". Dennis could feel the dullness ruin him, his skin, flesh, and bone drooped to the surface of his mother's fine Persian rug, the mixed smell of acid and sheep wool invaded his "lungs".

Dennis felt (and saw) the beautiful pattern become nothing to him as he spread over it, he was expanding at a slow, yet steady pace. He felt himself drift away from it all, his mind submerged in his power, he felt peaceful. As Dennis felt his liquid puddle form grasp the sensation of his mother's velvet garment, he began to "scream" at the dissolving of his favorite garment. Unfortunately, it takes Dennis a few minutes to reconstruct himself back into his solid form, the garment would be long gone by then.

Dennis' mental screams manifested as sizzling bubbles on top of the surface of his liquid form.

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The Wretched Wench's Wrenched Retch

"Unbe-fucking-lievable…" Dee muttered darkly. The newspaper in her hand was crumpled by the hands that held it, the headline, slightly burned by the acid dribbling from Dee's snarling lips, read:

THE WRETCHED WENCH'S WRENCHED RETCH

And it really got Dee heated. "Who the fuck does this dick-dip…" Dee squinted her eyes to find the name of the writer. "…Katie Oldson, thinks she is! She's fucking jealous is what she is, stupid bitch!" Dee continued reading the article, digging her nails even deeper into the paper as her eyes ran through each word in quick secession from the last.

"The villainess' debut left many families without mothers, fathers, nephews, nieces…"

As the author went on and on about the loss of life at the Laff House, a local comedy club that Dee had decided would be a perfect place for her (fifth) fresh new start, Dee couldn't help but roll her eyes at the "sensationalism". "Oh yeah sure, Katie, keep milking that 'oh, the poor families card', you stupid dick-shit bitch—fuck!" Dee tore the paper apart and vomited on the scraps, leaving the author's words to tangle with Dee's acidic saliva. Dee threw her arms up in rage with her hands clawing into the air, Dee growled as she imagined literally tearing into "that newspaper bitch." Dee couldn't help but imagine having Katie's neck wringed tight, her eyes fluttering, in misery and delight, as Dee stuck her acid-laced tongue down her throat, efficiently shutting the bitch up for good while being "humane" as well. Dee, now on a fun train of thought, was brought back to the night of her premiere.

"I was dazzling, of course, and maybe I was faltering joke-wise, but only because the lighting in that club was horrendous! It was borderline inhumane! And of course the dick-slits in front of me, the so-called victims, could only find the humor in my distress, instead of my mind-blowing, off-the-wall satire! I mean, so what if the world lost a few fuckwads! I mean news flash! Just because you have family and friends, doesn't mean you're not shit and that your life value can't be weighed in a horse-ton of dog shit! Seriously newsflash, Katie Oldson, newsflash!"

Dee placed the back of her head against the wall behind her and slumped down to the floor.

…

"Keep milking that sensationalism, Katie! Like how you probably milk your oldest son! HA!

…

"Damn it, someone should hear that one…. Dennis! I've got something that'll knock that depression right out of ya!"

…

"I'll come up, you just stay wherever you're moping!"

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THE WARTHOG REVEALS TRASHMAN'S SLIMEHOUSE OVERSEAS! U.S. ECONOMY SAVED!

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Acid doesn't melt Glass

Dennis wasn't sure if this was a good idea, this "Glass Mass" guy wasn't his usual type. His type was dissolvable, but this guy was composed of glass, he couldn't dissolve that. So why did he have him tailing him on his way to his room? Dennis made a quick glance behind him, he saw the Glass Mass playing around with a vase, throwing it up and down in a playful manner.

"Hey!"

"Aah!"

*Glass shatters*

….

"Shit, sorry, dude. But—ya know, you shouldn't be shouting at people when they're trying to break a world record…" The Glass Mass spoke softly, eyes aimed at his feet as opposed to Dennis' face.

Dennis proceeded to take this as a sign of disrespect and weakness, he then remembered why he brought him over here, to be more like his mother. To be someone that took those who disrespected her and burned them, no matter who they were, or what they were. Dennis would be the one to take his mother's place as the flaming god that threatened to tear the world asunder with his heat. It's what his mom would've wanted, his mom stayed dead so there would be more room, so he could take his rightful place in the universe. So he could be the next Supreme model.

Why else would she stay dead?

\-------------------------------

Mac was a little weirded out. "This "Glamor-Man" dude, he's a little…gay? He was wearing a lot of makeup, but he did look nice. Plus that dainty fragrance is gone now," Mac thought as he continued looking Dennis over. "He kinda smells like sulfur now. Like my dad did after he robbed a bank. I really miss that smell. I really miss my dad… wait, no! Focus, Mac!" Mac steeled his expression and clenched his jaw, and continued his internal ranting. "Dad wouldn't get distracted, and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, so! I won't get distracted again, yeah! Because I'm my dad's son! I most definitely am! No matter what any jabronie newspaper writer named, McAlhessey, says!"

"Hey…" Jolted out of his own internal monologue, by something falling downstairs, Glamor-Man does the same for Mac, albeit in a sultrier manner of approach. "…You want to finish this night up ooorrr…" Glamor-Man made sure to draw the last word out.

Mac found himself surprisingly flustered, but he was still focused. "All I have to do is distract him, so the Rat King can find his mom's grave, steal her teeth or whatever, and then—BOOM! I swoop in and take it for myself and then… uh…profit! Yeah, I'll be rolling in the moolah and then I'll buy that stupid newspaper company! That'll teach'm!"

"Hey!"

"Yeah, yeah! I'm coming! Just hold on for a second!"

As Glamor-Man walked into his room, Mac snuck in a prayer for the night.

"God, please forgive me if I act on any of my urges again, but this time I'm doing to knock down some jabronie, who thinks it's okay to make up lies about a father and his son… so this is cool right? I'm just respecting my father, one of your commandments. Right? Wait, no, of course it is, sorry I-"

"HURRY UP!"

"-Amen. Coming!"

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The Retch and The Rat King

Charlie frantically searched the mansion's living room and found himself frustrated with each fruitless effort. "Oh, come on… where is it?" Unbeknownst to him someone had found him, but unbeknownst to them a rat had found them.

"Aw, shit!" someone yelped from behind Charlie. The individual turned on the light exposing them both to each other, in an attempt at retaliation at Charlie, for presumably making the rat bite her, the bird threw a vase at him. It was a miss, she then prepared to vomit acid at him, but for some reason held it in, maybe she wanted Charlie to beg? "Pfft, there's no way I'm begging a bird for mercy." Charlie had said this out loud. The bird vomited all over him.

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"Heh, that'll teach that little shit to call me a bird" Dee mused and hummed victoriously as she watched her acid… not dissolve the dick-nip? "What the hell!"

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"Woah!" Charlie jumped up feeling pumped and ready to rip out a hundred bird teeth, which would definitely come in handy if that fire bird had that many teeth, he'll ask this smaller bird if that's the case. "Hey, do you know how many teeth that fire bird has?" Charlie inquired.

"What, fire bir—what! What the hell are you talking about?! Why the hell are you still alive?!" The smaller bird stretched her arms before their self in disbelief for some reason. As if it had no idea how many teeth their leader had? "What kind of bird servant doesn't know how many teeth their leader has?" Charlie pondered, out loud, again.

"Servant!? I'm not a servant, you little troll, so go shove your brain up your ass, cause it's shit, and get out!

"Hey! I'm not a troll! I'm a king, the Rat King! Now tell me where you buried the bigger bird!"

"Bigger bird, what the he—oh...You mean… my mom? That bitch? That's what you want?"

"Uh, Yeah! Why else would I be here? I'm gonna rip the teeth out of its beak! Smash it up! Eat it! And become the Rat God!"

"… Did you just say you were going to become a God? By eating my mom?"

"Uh, Yeah! Jesus! How many times do I have to explain this today?!"

"Alright, alright. Calm down. Ookkkaaayyy, I'm going to take you to the grave-

"Yeah?"

"-Yeah, and I'm going to let you do all of that because that "supreme bitch" becoming nutrients for a guy, who probably fucks rats-"

"I don't—I—I don't fuck rats! I don't fuck!"

"Yeah? Yeah, okay, whatever. All I know is that this would serve that bitch right for everything she's done to me, soooo, let's go.

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Mac Blabs

Dennis is awoken from his rest by the sudden slamming of a door.

"Did you hear something?"

"What?"

"It sounded like someone just left"

"Oh, that? That was probably just the Rat King.

"The what?"

"The… aaaahhhhh, shit…"

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SUPER-MENACES DESTROY GRAVEYARD (Small Excerpt)

… The depravity of what must of occurred the night that those horrendous (and I struggle to type this) human beings decided to desecrate a place for the dead to rest in peace, was captured perfectly with the photo above.

(Two men and a woman are drunkenly slouching against a ruined angel headstone, with their mouths wide open, and liquor dribbling out from inside their lips as they, reportedly, shout with a drunken slurring in their tone :"The gang wins!". In the right corner of the photo, a man seems to be melting over the corpse of a woman, while sobbing erratically and, reportedly, screaming: "Mommy!" and "Why did you leave, me?" repeatedly.)

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THE GANG IS JUDGED (Small Excerpt)

Judge Law is persuaded to not give the depraved group of super-humans, known as "The Gang", the death sentence thanks to the heartwarming words of the first and former Hallucnitic, who is now known as "The Reformer", a tall gentle giant, who has been known for being controversial for advocating fair treatment for super-humans with mental illness, no matter who they are…

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THE GANG TAKES OVER COMMUNAL DRINKING ESTABLISHMENT FOR SUPER HUMANS (page 4 headline)

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WARTHOG BUYS RIGHTS TO STOLEN COMMUNAL DRINKING ESTABLISHMENT (page 5 headline and small excerpt)

…Warthog says, "I just want to focus on really—uh—giving back! Yeah, giving back! To, uh, the community, and um… reconnecting with my kids, because I'm getting old, and it's about time I-uh-got to really know these kids and their friends! And, uh… yeah, that's all I have to say about that."

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PADDY'S PUB: THE WORST SUPER-BAR IN HISTORY

By Lyle Corman

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The End


End file.
